I think I won the penis lottery.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
did i just pee glitter
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
