I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
