I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
They have beer where we have blood.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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