The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Randomize
