turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
