wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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