i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I could have mohawked her pubes.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
