I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
