Don't make out with my wife yet
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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