I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
