Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
