The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize