I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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