So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
