I accidentally burped into my bong.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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