do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
