the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
