Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
