I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize