you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
