I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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