We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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