dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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