the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
