So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
