Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
