party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's blow job season.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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