where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I deserve this hangover.
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