So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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