My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I want a musical about memes.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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