I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
