I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
