if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Naked Twister starts at high noon
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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