I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
