Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
