can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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