we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
