The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
