Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
