i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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