i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
