All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize