In the future we'll all be gay
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize
