dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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