I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
