Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
God, I missed his penis.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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