I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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