why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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