his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
