Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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