can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
