Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We're too hungover to prance.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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