It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
