The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
