so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
