She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
