We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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