Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
