My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
