literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
