watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
