Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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