I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
