So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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