I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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